Time

Hello.  I'm not dead, I haven't given up.  I'm just busy. 

I thought I would pop in and say hello and I am using this updated version of blogger.  Not too sure about it yet and I am not sure what the benefits are.  It looks like I will be going to Vegas on a work getaway in late November.  Too bad it wasn't the first week of December, it would have been nice to catch up with those of you who I still keep in contact with thru other channels. 

I hope life is treating you well. 

My first hole in one?

This is not about me getting a hole in one today or anytime recently. It`s more about me wondering if I WILL EVER get a hole in one at some point in my lifetime. Family, work, the odd baseball game, tv show or hot date... time for golf seems to have vanished (along with blogging, playing poker, sleeping in, having weekends off etc).

I`ve played a few rounds this year but nothing serious and usually in large groups with beers. There`s been a couple of close calls but the bottom line is I am not playing as much as II used to. Watching the Open Championship and seeing Tom Watson get a hole in one got me to wondering... will I ever get?

Ivey not playing in the WSOP 2011

My thoughts & theories:

• he is pissed because there is not enough dead money


• Full Tilt knew about this before he announced it and supported it. From a marketing perspective, it is doing wonders for poker. Phil has that effect on anything poker.


• he doesn't want to get sued himself (credit to Fuel)


• he wants to play more golf and bet on basketball


• this is a way to welsh on his bracelet bet with Lederer

I still think he will eventually play in a few events, especially the Main Event.

Unlike golf, there is not a limited window as age and physical ability is not important. Phil is so young, he probably thinks that taking a pass on this years WSOP won't matter, but I tend to think that if he skips the entire series it will have a bigger effect on his game then he thinks.

Overall, I could care less but it sure blew up twitter last night. Overall, it was a good thing for poker in my opinion. heck, more fish (including "pros") might sign up now since they won't have to contend with the best player ever in the history of poker.

Now what?

My aunt called and specified that the reason she was calling was because it was exactly two weeks since my father's passing. She sounded upset and drunk. It was 6:30 on a Sunday morning and I was working on less than 5 hours sleep when she called. She told me that she spent a lot of time with him over his final week and that he had a lot of things that he wanted to pass along to us. Stuff that he wanted us to know. Stuff that he couldn't tell me himself over the last 25 years I guess. Who knows. I never did stay on the phone long enough to find out. Instead I told her that I would call her back another time. My strategy is to call her when it is her morning so she is not drunk enough to slur her words or tell me lies. Lies will happen either way though. She told me I could ask her anything. I said "anything?" and followed it up with "Ive had 25 years to come up with some pretty tough questions..." And then she started crying saying "Oh please don't" and couldn't talk much after that and had to go. I keep struggling with to what level I should take this. There are obviously a few issues here and the main one is my non-realtionship with my father and why that went on for so long. I look to my aunt as a huge part the reason why. She took him from us, she screwed it up for everyone and blew this family up. Of all the men in the world, why him? Why did he choose her? Things could have been so much different if he had just manned up and stayed in the country. He wanted to be home though. He wanted to live back in his country. He claimed it was because of his family but everyone knows that he never talked to any of his bro's on the regular. They never heard from him much until one of the brothers died last June. He took that pretty hard and it was all downhill from there. They both died from heart problems. So did their dad. So will I. It's just a matter of when, not if. So what do I do until then? Love my family and enjoy each day.

I'm fine

Yeah I'm fine, don't worry about me.

I didn't get the chance to call again. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

I get upset at the most random times, mostly when I am alone.

I wonder what it was like to take that last breath before he died from cardiac arrest.

I wonder what it was like to know that your days are numbered and no one can help.

I wonder what it was like being alone without your children by your side holding your hand as you drifted away.

I have so many questions, so many unanswered questions that I need to let go of. But I can't. Not now, not yet, maybe not ever.

Too many questions, not enough answers.
Too many tears, not enough laughter.
Too many fears, not enough faith.

He's gone, and I am lost. The ironic part is, I never needed him this much until now.

Questions

Did you forget what day I was born?
Why did you stop calling on our birthdays?
Did you really have sex with the secretary? That is so cliche.
Are you capable of loving?
Why didn't you show it to us?

GG Dad

Not sure where to start so I will just go with what comes to mind and maybe follow up more later as things become more final.

Death is final. No one can prove otherwise.

I received a call from my aunt (step mom) last night right before game 7 of the Canucks vs. Hawks game kicked off. Nice timing, but PVR's rule the world now so I was fine with it.

Back track a bit right?

I never did tell you whether I made that call to him that night two weeks ago did I? Well for those of you who guessed that I did, you were right. I did make that call, and I am glad I did.

It was odd, aggrevating and a relief all bundled into one. With a side order of sadness and tears.

I had no expectations, and from what I had heard from my sister - he might not even remember we talked. Either way, there was a lot of dead air, a lot of talk about the girls and not much real life issues talk or remorse on either side of the phone.

It's too late for that now. It's too late to talk about the details rehash what is done. He made his choices and the guilt has now participated in getting him to where he is at this moment.

On his death bed.

He will not be coming home, he will not live much longer. He has a fialing heart which has taken its toll on his liver, pancreas and now - his brain. 2 weeks left max is what I've been told, but maybe even sooner than that.

My aunt confirmed this to be true last night and hinted that I should give him one last call to say goodbye. This is where I am at, this is what I am struggling with at the moment. I know I will probably make that call and I know I should do so with very little expectations to get anything back that will make me feel any differently than I already do.

But the fact is (as many have pointed out already) this is my only chance to talk to him one last time. One last good bye, one last time to hear the chuckle and nuances that remind me of me. I wish I could have gotten to know him better, I wish for my kids sake that he was around to meet them at least once.

This will never happen.

Just like I never met my Grandfather (his Dad), the tradition will continue. The circumstances are much different and nothing compares to seeing any relative's face light up when they hold my little girls.

This is something he will never get to do.

The sadest part for me is having to explain this to my girls one day. Telling the entire truth and making them understand where they come from and what makes me, me.

At this moment, it's not about that though. It's about making the choice to say goodbye while I still have the chance. Regardless of our past, regardless of what he has not contributed or how he has treated the ones that love him unconditionally.

I have no more words at this time.

BBT6

Where do I sign up?

I keed.

I suspect this is now on the back burner with the element turned down to less than 1.

It sucks that they still won't go with it and give all of us outside of the U.S. a shot at some great prizes. That would be doubly hurtful, though, to our American pals. But hey, if I did win a WSOP ticket I would surely go and represent as best I could. I promise.

I mean just because I have twins on one income right now, I'd still feel like I had a duty to give it a shot... for the little people in my life. This is one lottery that I would not want to miss out on.

Jerkstore

I am a dick. That is what I am being told anyway. How dare I come out and say what I want and tell people that they were stupid for having so much money online at one time. I mean, really - Hi, I'm a dick.

Sorry to be such a jerk about it. I should be more sensitive to people's bankrolls.

It's the job security I feel bad about. I don't think it will be easy for some of our blogger friends to find new work. Writing is writing I guess, but poker writing requires an extra special understanding of the game. I feel bad for those talented folks but I truly believe that they will land on their feet and find something even better and more fulfilling.

Time to start thinking of the next big thing. Hey, how about putting people on tv that are addicted to couponing?

Now, there's a show.

Shaking my head

I really don't get how some people actually treated their online poker accounts as their personal bank accounts. Who would actually "save money" in an account like that? There are things called banks now and they do a much better job. This will be a very hard lesson for many Americans who, with the way the economy is running and the strength of their dollar, probably looked at online poker as a financial lifeline. I don't keep my payroll in my employer's account. I don't know why you thought it was any different for online poker. "But I needed to have a deep enough bankroll to handle the variance" Terrible excuse. BRM doesn't mean keeping all your money in one or two sites and playing the appropriate levels. You can still do that with a minimal roll. I feel very bad for all my American poker buddies who have thousands of dollars online that the might not see for months, if not longer.... and of course, it is easy for me to sit here and say "I told you so" now. I just never understood why anyone would keep large sums of money in a virtual bank when the threat of taking down online poker is nothing new. I mean seriously, didn't you stop and think for at least one second - maybe I should take some of this money out just to be safe?

Try going here

BrueChips said this should work.

GG America

All of you are totally screwed and will most likely find it impossible to get your money out. I will save you. If you are interested, I can probably facilitate your withdrawal by your transfering the money to me. I make the withdrawal and then I ship it back to you via paypal or some other method (certified cheque?). You would be responsible for all associated transaction fees and exchange differences. I would make sure you get your money. I am sure we could work out something fair. Of course, I would draw up an indemnity agreement that I would have you sign. Let's see if we can screw over the man! Who's willing to give it a try? The real question is: Do you trust me? You should.

The call

I have been preparing for such a call for many years now. Ever since I found out how sick my father truly was. The fact is, he has not been well for a few months now. But only recently has it started to hit me as to just how sick he really is. The call came in to my cell at about 5pm on Monday. I picked it up and it was from my Nana. I knew this was the call right away because she would never call me, and if she did it wouldn't usually be on my cell phone while I am at work. Seeing as my father was my nana's only "son" she had grown quit attached to him over the years. The fact that her son was now married to a second daughter of hers made all the more difficult when we would get into the details of what has happened over the years and the lack of effort he has given towards myself or my sister. The bottom line is, my dad would talk to my nana all the time. Whereas I had talked to him in over 8 years. That's some fucked up shit. Or at least I think so. So my nana basically told me he could only have a few days, maybe even a few hours left. She game me the number to his hospital and told me that I should call him if I want to say anything before he dies. This really threw me for a loop and I had no idea what I would do. I couldn't concentrate at work, although it was past the end of the day already, I had already arranged to participate in a hockey pool draft. I considered bailing on the work pool draft. I considered leaving and going home and calling him that night. So many things ran through my head. Was I beign selfish because I was participating in a hockey pool when I knew full well that this might be my last opportunity to talk to him? Just to say hi? Just to hear his voice one last time? I sure felt that way. I felt like I was being very selfish. Like him. I felt like I didn't care if he died while I was in the 10th round of a hockey pool that really meant nothing. I felt angry with myself for not rushing to the phone and feeling all these pent up emotions release. After the pool was over I went home. I couldn't control myself. I didn't know what to do. I needed to be home to take care of my family. I didn't need to bring this stuff home though. All these emotions about a person that my wife has never met. She was the one who actually reminded me that he called me once before since Lola and I have been together. I had totally forgot that he called one year on Christmas eve about 8 years ago. Before that it was probably another 10 years since we talked last. As I drove home I couldn't figure out what to do. I talked to my wife and she obviously was very supportive. It was my decision. This was my time to do what I wanted to do for me and no one else. Should I call him or not, is all I kept saying. I put myself through that for about an hour before I decided I...

The Message

Ok, I listened to the message. I had to do it, but only out of necessity. I will post more on that later. For now - the message was pretty standard. Short and semi-sweet. My aunt basically thanked us for sending them the picture of the babies. She went on about how beautiful they are etc. so that was nice. She didn't say much else though, but did give their number and said that she would love to hear from us. Call her anytime etc. that was it. gotta go. I will post more later. I have lots more to talk about but need to take some time to myself before I write about it here or there.

I am a joke

Why is that I don't have the ability to remember to listen to this message when I am at home. I am a joke.

RIP The Mookie

Gotta say I am pretty sad to hear that The Mookie got hijacked and kicked to the curb. The Mookie was one of my favorite tournaments when I used to actually have time to play online poker. I even came close to winning it once! LOL. I've finished second I think twice and once was the Wednesday right before we were all heading down to Vegas for WPBT 2007. I remember Don being drunk as fuck. In fact I am pretty sure Buddy still uses some of those recordings on his show. Maybe one day I will play in The Dank... but it won't be anytime soon.

GL to all those still playing.

Brutal

I keep forgetting to listen to the message!

I just sent myself an email (I do this often) to remind myself when I get home to listen to it. I am still confused as to why my aunt left the message and not him, but whatever... I guess I am not surprised. I am thinking that it is probably because he can't actually talk on the phone, who knows.

Maybe I should call him to find out?

Wow, I am a huge jerk

I wrote that last post in a matter of minutes and now I feel guilty for writing the top portion because I somehow forgot that Lola told me about my aunt calling and leaving a message.

I haven't listened to it yet because I have felt so stupid about this whole situation. How dare I call them out on something they have already responded to.

What a jerk.

As expected

It's been a few weeks now and I have heard nothing back from him or my Aunt. I shouldn't be shocked really and in fact I am feeling a bit selfish even writing about this. I mean really, who knows what the story is over (down) there? Maybe he is on his death bed, maybe he just doesn't give a shit. I find that hard to beleive but I wouldn't put it past him...

Anyway, not much else going on except being a Dad myself. Kicking ass at it to be perfectly honest. The worst part of my day is at about 7:30am when I have to kiss my girls good bye and go to work. Weekends are basically the best thing ever these days.

$1.96

The actually mailing of this card/picture was easy. The cost was minimal. Writing what was inside of it was surprisingly easy as well. I didn't put much effort into it, all I said was that I wish them well and hope they work on their personal health. I had no time to mention what a terrible person he has been for the last 25 years to me. The lack of communication, interest and genuine care are what hurt the most on a daily basis. I try not to think about it, but there are always reminders - everywhere. Today I heard a contest on the radio for hockey dads. I couldn't help but remind myself as to why I never had the chance to play hockey as a young kid and all the opportunties I missed out on as a result. I have always wished I had gone down the road of hockey in my youth. I know I would have done well, but now I will never truly know. Just the fact that I am still, to this day, missing out on all the beer league hockey and the good times that go along with it - I blame him. I will always blame him. It is pretty sad when I step back and think about it. I mean is it really fair that I blame him for being deprived such a luxury as a child? I doubt it.

Anyway, mission accomplished. I don't feel any different and certainly don't feel relieved or better or happier. I feel numb, just like before. It's a few pieces of paper with some words on it. That is it.

4 feet

Not yet

Still haven't mailed it. In fact, I wonder if I will ever find the time to get to the post office and stamp it correctly. I have no idea what it costs to send anything to Australia because I am a bad son and haven't ever considered reaching out like this before. I'm stalling for sure, trying to forget each day I drive home. Wondering if I do ever get around to sending it, will it be too late? I hope not, for everyone's sake. I guess I should just get my ass to the post office and get it done. Not so easy when my car is on auto pilot to get home and see my babies and wife as quickly as possible.

Soon, I keep telling myself. Soon I will get it done. Soon he will realize that I am a good son. A good person who took the high road and made the first move. Swallow my stubborn pride and just make it happen already right? I will feel better right?

Good Son

The card is written, the picture is in the envelope. Now all I need to do is actually show up to the post office, buy a few stamps and send it off to Australia. This is the hardest part. The doing. The writing was actually pretty easy as I kept it friendly, said thanks for the gifts and wished them luck in trying to get healthy. I found out my Dad actually just had a pace maker put in and they are now running test on his liver as it is basically failing him to a point where he will die soon. He never took care of himself and now it is finally catching up with him and the guilt he has burdened himself with for over 20 years now. My aunt weighs 98 pounds and has Lupus. She is so frail that when she was in the hospital last time they accidently fractured her arm! I feel bad for her and I miss her as an Aunt. Not as a step-mom though. That would have been really weird for me growing up as a child if they had chose to stay in Canada.

I keep wondering who has it worse off:

• Person A - never met their father, no relationship whatsoever.
• Person B - raised in family environment for first 10 years, then father left to another country never to be seen or heard from again. Cheated on mother.
• Person C - father is in the picture, but parents were divorced at young age for child. Now the father shows up at child's house (who is now in mid 20's) once in a while and asks to stay over, be looked after and fed. Then takes off back to his city and calls next time he needs a place to stay.
• Person D - father is always in the picture, loves their child and has a meaningful friendship with the child until the child is in mid 20's and then the father passes away.

Donkey Drama

Can't wait to see how this whole Survivor poker thing unfolds. We already have Waffles whining about how he will be the least popular and it will be just like high school all over again. Then we have epichoy ranting about what a great idea it is, even though he's never watched a single episode of the show that the concept was derived from. It is gonna create quit a stir when friends become enemies and feelings get hurt and people get back stabbed making back room deals and alliances. When the merge happens that last few standing will try and chop the prize pool and people will continue to whine all over again. If I didn't have twin duty on Sundays I would be in, but family comes first now. I think this whole idea was created by Goat just so that he could feel cool once and for all. High school does that to some people and they never seem to move on. So instead Goat has created this popularity contest. I can already tell you that the crew at BDR will all align together and try and finish in the top three. I am calling it right now - the whole thing is rigged, fixed and a it's gonna get bloody ugly.

I'll need an extra big bowl of popcorn for this one. Once the teams are made I will get a few people together and have a draft. Side bets will be had and a survivor pool will unfold just like in the real show. Donkey's vs. Fish? Sounds like a poker blogger match made in heaven.

Bad Son

I feel like a bad person for writing that last post. I mean, I don't really look forward to when he dies at all. It was just a thought I had that in order to take advantage of corporate work policies I would have to have a blood relative die, and this would be the first of its kind. Honestly, I doubt I could afford the time off, which would make it even more weird for me because I would then be going to work when my biological father had just passed and people would be wondering what the hell was wrong with me. How could I be so insensitive? How could I not want to grieve? What a terribly bad son I must be for not giving a shit about my own father. I have no idea how I will feel but I suspect it will be just numb and even keel just as I always am. Never too emotional high, never too emothional low. Just typically emotional about stupid stuff like my biological father passing away and not really knowing how to feel or what to feel or who to turn to to talk to about it. I guess this space is as good as any right now. When the time comes, I might think differently.

Is it? Part 2

Is it wrong that I look forward to the bereavement time off when my biological father dies?

It actually feels like he has been gone for a long time already. Out of sight, out of mind I guess.

Other Deets

My Dad lives in Australia (Perth). He moved there when I was 10.
My Dad is on some heavy medication. They say he wouldn't remember our conversation if we had one.
I will send him a note (and picture of the twins) instead.
My Aunt (his wife and my mother's sister) has Lupus. She weighs 98 pounds and is in worse condition than my Dad.
They are both alcoholics and have smoked their entire lives.
They care very little about their own physical health.
Neither will live to see 2012, which is very sad.
I hope I (and the experts) are wrong.

Is it? aka deep stuff

Is it wrong that I don't even know my Dad's birthday?
Is it wrong that I am numb to the fact that he will probably die this year?
Is it wrong that I am being selfish and not wanting to go and see him before he passes?
Is it wrong that I wonder how selfish you truly have to be to leave your kids and never contact them for years on end?
Is it?

Still playing as of 1/11/11

If there was no such thing as Rush Poker, I would have quit this game a long time ago. Rush has allowed me to squeak in thirty minutes here or an hour there when the girls are sleeping and Lola is watching some girly show like the bachelwhore or slut not to wear.

I'm a losing player. I know this much. Not self proclaimed break even like waffles. I am realistic and treat this game as a hobby. I am the perfect fish. I can stretch my $60 for a very long time. My swings are only $10 at a time because when I get it in good (or bad) I just shut it down when my stack is shipped in the wrong direction.

GL to all those who are still grinding.

Oh and Happy New Year.